Fru-it

With my third bachelor party well enough behind me that I’m no longer feeling its effects I figured a rough sketch might be fun. This one was probably the most successful in terms of a lack of mental anguish as it did not feature a failed one night stand, or night terrors so complete I was felt compelled to get in my car and drive it into a river. Both totally true happenings from the previous two bachelor parties.

Places I peed, a list:

Off the top of the roof which took some advance climbing.

In a sand bunker of a golf course.

Into a water bottle in the closet where I was sleeping because I was concerned that using the toilet and the subsequent flushing would wake up Paul. Never mind that Paul at this juncture was absolutely passed out to the world and had a B-52 taken off in that room he still probably would not have been prodded awake. I only sort of remember doing this as I was both pretty much asleep and still drunk. Regardless I spilled not a drop.

While I’m discussing bodily functions Theo would like me to point out that “Bend/Sunriver are the Vortices for Bowel Movements.” He says this because while there bad things happened to all our bowels. For instance Theo counted himself at 6 poops in 2.5 days which is a tad excessive. Les arrived and spent the next 3 hours out of 6 in the bathroom. The amount of pooping was so much that bets were made. On the other hand I, who has very regular bowels, didn’t poop once in the three days I was there and had to wait until Monday before even farting. That’s right I didn’t fart from Friday until Monday. Monday was rough. It is also quite evident that 11 dudes in a house drinking will lead to the whole place smelling like farts. In Dougie and Theo’s room which comprised of two beds and maybe five feet of floor space between the two smelled so bad on Saturday morning from farts that I feared for both of their lives as I felt like there was lack of oxygen for breathing. I weighed myself on Monday morning and was up 3.7 pounds. I feel like most of that was poop that was just incubating in my colon. Bad things happen in Sunriver.

I ate the best pancakes of my life.

I ate some of the worst pancakes of my life.

I will pretty much refuse to eat with a group of people of more than 5 at sushi place ever again. I feel like paying 41 dollars and getting one roll and two pieces of tuna isn’t worth my money. Most of what I ordered errantly eaten. This is partly my fault, but still, never again.

The two coolest things I saw where Chris Horner on a training ride. Who’s he? Oh just a pro cyclist for Astana, the same team as Tour de France favorite Alberto Contador and Lance Armstrong. The other was Point Break which I had somehow never seen before.

I pulled the trigger twice. Once on Saturday morning as the car ride into Bend, mixed with the sludgiest coffee I’ve ever made, and the previous night’s debauchery made me so nauseous I had but one option. The other time being Saturday evening when I ate too much and again felt nauseous. I believe Theo was the only other one to pull the trigger. In any event I win this category.

I played maybe the best three basketball games of my life. I expect to never do that again.

I did ride a bike, twice. The second time involved me riding on the fairway of the golf course that was next to our house. It was either that our try and figure out how to get unlost from where we were. I think we made the right choice.

To briefly describe the house. Think of the place that Patrick Bateman would have constructed as a vacation home to murder hookers. The place was totally built when coke was all the craze. The place was white with accents of white and there were giant mirrors where a plain wall would have worked just fine.

Les once again made some of the best desserts I’ve had. His frosting was consumed by me via spoon on a number of occasions.

I think that sums up my experience, it was fun, if not a little boring for stretches. And hey, at least I didn’t pee myself like a certain member of the party.