Metallica Gig Report: Wherein Mark Fights Over A Beach Ball.

Road tripping with Theo is fun. A quick trip up to Seattle usually proves to be a good time. Making the trip in anticipation of seeing the greatest band ever is cause for celebration. We headed northward to see Metallica, and between the fun had on the road, and the concert itself I think both of us can agree it worth the 12 total hours we committed to the event.

Theo likes to drive fast. I like to ride fast. When a car blocks us from driving at the pace we like Theo get’s antsy and I get angry. In this case after we had passed the car that was the root of our slowing I had just finished eating a banana the peel was still grasped in my hand. What to do with such a thing? Well, what would Mario do (WWMD)? Mario would throw that peel behind him in an attempt to make Wario spin out wouldn’t he? Yes he would. Down the window goes and as I throw the banana peel high into the air the wind takes a hold of it lofting it behind us. Sadly we can neither confirm nor deny if the banana peel hit the target.

I’d also like to note here that Theo may say he ate bento but when he burps it will most certainly smell like he’s consumed multiple Slim Jims. I’d say roughly 9 based on the stink level.

There was a moment when we hit some bad traffic that panic arose within. I had to pee. My mind can tell my bladder “hey man, it’s cool, don’t freak out, the car is moving you’ll be out of this car and peeing in like 45 minutes you can hold it.” However, my mind cannot tell my bladder that in good faith if the car is not moving which it was not. It was totally feasible that if I exited the car and peed on the median I’d have plenty of time to catch up with the car based on the current flow of traffic. Still though, it was a dubious plan at best. Bladder shyness was a serious problem as a youth. It is certainly less so now, but the thought of getting a good flow going in front of a traffic jam seemed like a pretty tall order. But also, what harm is there in trying? I picked my spot, an under pass, and exited the car. Have you done this? Excited your car on I-5 during a traffic jam? It’s intimidating. I moseyed up to the median unbuttoned by fly and proceeded to try and pee. It was loud and cars were creeping around behind my back. This pretty much made my testacies ascend inside my body and I knew I had been bested. I caught back up with Theo’s car but only after oddly enough pantomiming like I had just peed and my mission was accomplished. I don’t even want to go into the psychology of trying to pretend like I peed for a bunch of strangers that may or may not have even noticed I had exited the car. The take home message here is I’m not ready for road side peeing on I-5 in a traffic jam.

Theo and I could potentially be a pretty potent Linkin Park karaoke duo.

I will say that Lamb of God sucks. Please do not buy their albums. They have the exact same drum beat to every single song, what’s worse, I can do probably do that very beat. I shouldn’t be able to claim that of a band that opens for Metallica and yet I can. I can air drum it which is, as you know, the exact same as actually being able to drum it physically.

I like t-shirt spotting at metal shows. I always see some good ones. This show did not disappoint. In fact this show had a shirt that sporting what may very be my new motto in life. Bear with me here. The shirt read in large white letters on a black “My balls your chin.” OK first we need a comma after balls and before your, and for politeness sakes perhaps a question mark at the end of the whole thing might be nice. Ideally the shirt would read “My balls, your chin?” This is puerile and that is why I like it. As for it being my motto. Well in that case the motto would be “my balls, your chin.” What that would convey would be I get what I want in life by demanding or earning it. It is also entirely possible I thought about this shirt far too much.

another shirt of note read “your retarded.” Which, come on, isn’t that like casting stones in a glass house if can’t even get the right “you’re” on the shirt?

There were two large dudes sitting to the right of us across the aisle. They were so large that one could not fit in his seat and opted to sit between the seats on the arm rest. This obviously made it pretty hard for his buddy who was huge in his own right to sit in the remaining one half of his seat. They did the most sensible thing which was to stand half way in the aisle. When security came down to ask them to sit the real hard ass looking dude made the security guard feel about an inch tall and was pretty much allowed to do as he pleased from then on out. We were pretty close to the barrier that separated the seats from the floor area. The barrier was guarded by security. In the case of our area it was a skinny kid. I looked at him for awhile as he sized up the big hard ass looking dude. His eyes very clearly said “man I hope this guy doesn’t try to get on the floor here I’m pretty sure there isn’t a lot I can do about that.”

The show itself was stellar as always. Yes they are old, but they can still play.

During one the breaks between songs the lights were up a bit and Mr. Kirk Hammett was on our side of the stage looking at the crowd. Theo made a movement and caught Kirk’s attention. It was clear for a split second we was looking right at us. What to do? Well naturally I gave really goofy wave because goofy waves are fairly metal. Then something astonishing happened, he returned the wave in a similarly goofy fashion. That’s right, me and Kirk, Kirk and I, we’re goofy waving buddies. If you like I can show the wave and you can bask in the knowledge that that very style of wave was returned by Kirk. I get to call him Kirk now that we’re goofy waving buddies.

I got hungry mid set right when The Day That Never Comes started. Luckily I planned for this turned to my jacket which stored a cut carrot. As I ate the carrot I made the mistake of inhaling right as a swallowed. This happens in about one in every twenty carrots I eat. I’m not sure how it happens but the result is wholly unpleasant. Little carrot bits make their way into my sinus rather than down my esophagus. I know this because I can feel them in there and a few times to combat the problem I’ve blown my nose and sure enough carrot bits came out. Well in this case I lacked a tissue so I had to go for the slightly messier procedure which involves coughing and hocking up some spit to try and clear out my sinuses. The reason this is problematic is that often when I cough or hork some snot the carrot bits escape from my mouth with little regard for their surroundings. I’m pretty sure the people in front of me have some carrot bits courteous of me in their hair. Then a little later I bit my tongue hard enough it still hurts as I type this. I guess I shouldn’t try and eat carrots at a Metallica concert, who knew?

With the show coming to a close I asked Theo to switch spots so I could be in the aisle. Having been to the Portland show a month earlier I knew that during Seek and Destroy black beach balls with “Metallica” printed on them would drop from the ceiling. I wanted one of these unspeakably bad. I was just out of range at the Portland show but in Seattle I was confident I could get one with just the right bounce. I was right as it turned out. I got my hands on a giant one but as I was collecting it some real asshat charged me and grabbed the ball in two hands to my one. I tightened my grip and it was, as they say, on. He pushed me, he pulled me, he pushed me some more. My grip much to my surprise held firm. He got mad, I got determined. He then shoved me into Theo, and then into the people in front of me. I still had this incredible iron grip that would not break. Then another guy got in on the action. The two them both pulled against me and yet my one hand still didn’t even weaken. I was kind of amazed at this point and also thinking to myself that it was absolutely absurd to be in a crazy fight over a cheap beach ball. At this point the tugging hit a frenzy and they two of them actually dove down the stairs on top of each other. It was here that I finally had my grip break. It took two grown men falling down and out of my reach for my grip to break. Security was soon on the scene. The dick who started the whole thing ran off with the ball with a giant gaping hole in the side which I’m assuming was where my hand had been. The other guy, bless him, jumped over the barrier and was caught by like 6 guards. Ah, but not all is lost. Lars kicked one of these sought after balls directly into Theo’s arms. Theo then, the graciously gent that he is, turned it over to me.

The ride home was rainy, and boring save for one wicked accident. A Franz truck somehow lost one of its trailers. The trailer was tipped over and bread had spilled clear across the grass median and into our lane with Theo promptly hitting a loaf of bread.

In all it was excellent time. My knees are bruised from the beach ball scuffle, Theo got a 44 dollar parking ticket, but really what’s a bruised knee and 44 dollars to King County for opportunity to see Metallica and fight over a black beach ball?


I want you in my tangerine dreams.